The money talk...the 2nd F

      Commerce/Money has been at the center of the world since civilizations began. The beginning of alliances, the destruction of lives, and the awakening of giving have all arose around currency. So who are we to think we could control such an unruly beast? Well, we are the ones that give a piece of paper, metal, or trinkets a value, and therefore, in my mind we currently can control it. Now, I attended private college for 6yrs and graduated with over 100k in student loan debt. Unfortunately, No I did not accidentally add a second zero...that was my realty as I approached the beginning of my career and married life. There was a time when I could barely say that without sobbing and thought CDM (my then boyfriend and now husband) would never marry me and my massive nightmare. I thought I would never be able to control or handle my loans and the weight of that caused many restless nights. The greatest blessing I was given was by my mom when she recommended I read "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. Whether your a college student or mother/father of five, this book will change the way you handle, think about, and talk about money. In the 5 years prior to my money awakening, CDM and I had shared many experiences and trials but never really discussed the future of our finances. I told CDM about the mounting loans I had incurred prior to our engagement and we established that we would have open dialogue about money from that point on. Collin was blessed with no student loan debt upon graduation and because of that my guilt mounted about what burden I was bringing to our relationship. Thankfully, Collin did not share those feelings and was thAnkful I was focused and had a plan based on Dave Ramsey's baby steps. I grew up in an environment where money topics set the stage for war, and communication was at a stale mate. I knew that CDM and I needed to sort out and discuss our finances before we vowed to forever. Our goal was to set ourselves up for success and unity so financial crises could be avoided. After meeting with a Dave Ramsey endorsed provider,  6 months before our wedding we sat down and formulated our separate budgets! Now I believe that if you are joining your lives you must join every portion... including your finances. Initial intention of joint failure limits your ability to succeed before you even begin. 
  As we progressed through our planning for the wedding we were forced to mindfully save for future payments together. We quickly learned that I was an obsessive saver and CDM had many expensive passions... It is okay to have dynamics in your marriage, and I believe when it comes to finances that difference provides a healthy spending compromise (assuming you discuss what your concepts of "large purchases" entail). We held monthly budget meetings ( it is not as horrid as it sounds!!!); we made them fun by talking about items we hoped to save for together, ways that our work would allow us to achieve bucket list getaways, and what we imagined we would feel like as we were debt free!  We made all of our wedding payments on time and in cash (which enticed vendors to give us reduced rates), and in the wake of the most amazing day of my life, we traveled to our fully paid for Jamaican honeymoon with additional savings in our bank account! As the charismatic and at times outlandish actor Rob Schneider once said " you can do it!!!". Decide to be great; embrace the idea that God wants to provide for you all that you desire, and change the fate of your marriage and your family!!! Do not allow your past or your degree to limit you; William Konar, a survivor of Auschwitz death camp at the young age of approximately 16, arrived to America the sole refugee of his family and went on to establish and franchise the brand we know as CVS Pharmacy. Your engagement period and first few years of marriage are not a time for you to sit submissively by waiting for wealth and fortune to happen upon you; you must take an active role in all the Lord calls you to be and do. After 2 years of payments on my own salary and one year with our joint incomes, we have paid of $82,000 and intend on being debt free in another year and a half. Now you must be thinking that we make a whole ton of money, but let me assure you, CDM and I are "lower middle class", which has little to do with the fact that we have said no to countless dinners out, vacations, material desires, real estate purchases, and Christmas gifts and have taken on second per diem positions. We have chosen to sacrifice for a few years so we do not have to in a few more. Every couples time line and debt ratio is different but joining your incomes, communicating, and planning is the three worst things for credit card companies and Sallie Mae! You do not want those folks as your friends; you need to want them out of your life!!! Get started yesterday!!

Fondly,
A

Resources:
http://www.daveramsey.com/home/
http://www.rabbidaniellapin.com/store.php
https://investor.vanguard.com/what-we-offer/?WT.srch=1

The first of 3 Fs

 I am glad you have decided that you want to improve your start, or at least, I have perked your interest. For CD and I, figuring out what we struggled with was glaringly obvious. Developing a plan of how we were going to reestablish our roles and combine our lives was going to take effort!! First, acknowledge that there are 3 primary areas that you and your beloved need to talk about and agree on. Fondly called the three Fs..Faith, Finances, and Family. I cannot stress enough the necessity of having conversations about your opinions, hopes, and status on the three Fs will become. Candidly discussing the names of your unborn superstar children or " thanking God for that huge sale at Bloomingdales " do not count as addressing your opinions on the Fs. If your not the initiating type, meeting with your pastor/ spiritual mentor or a couples counselor will mediate and direct these conversations.  During the years, CD and I had shared our faiths, attended churches, and even prayed together, but even those experiences did not substitute for a real discussion. We talked about desires to change denominations; Expectations after marriage of church attendance and participation, thoughts on tithing, and what our children would be raised as. These discussions lasted for weeks, made us both look internally to what our goals were, and reflect on where we expected the other to fall into that picture. Now, this like all the three Fs can be pretty treacherous territory if you think to much with emotion and less with practicality. People's opinions differ and those differences make beautiful harmony, but these items are uncompromisable.... Understand that I am coming at this from a Christian etiology. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, God warns against marriage of two people unequally yoked ( no this has nothing to do with a symmetrical omelette yummy)... I had no idea what this meant when I first heard it or the true challenge it could cause.  Think about it like this..... Your intending to live the rest of your life with someone who fundamentally does not believe in what composes the foundation of your life. Or even like this for you science nerds/foodies, it is like trying to keep the balsalmic (polar) mixed with the vinegar(non-polar)... you can shake it all you'd like and for a moment it appears that they have intermingled enough to pour on your fav salad but that is all it is..a moment. The core polarity of those two things cannot be altered they are essential to the material.  Like this romance that has blossomed you've made it work so far because your love has allowed/blinded your interests enough to make you believe you could work through anything, but once the shaking stops and everything mellows out your foundations/ polarity will emerge and you'll feel miles away from one another. I am not suggesting that people do not change or that they cannot be called to faith at any time in their life, but I am simply reinforcing that until they reach that decision or their spirit is supernaturally transformed, your marriage, engagement, or relationship will be plagued with heart break. I have watched this occur with many hopeful friends and family members AlWAYS resulting in turmoil and tragedy. Whether it be faith or no faith ( I pray for you that you've chosen faith) let it be a choice you've agreed upon together and share in your hearts.  If it is not, you face the strong reality that the one you so loved you must let go of to save both of your happinesses and futures apart. As unbelievable and harsh as this sounds, you are selfish if you know God's will and choose to ignore it for temporary pleasure or lusts. A harsh reality I too had to face with my first love and one that led me to find the man of dreams to whom I am forever equally yoked. 

This inspirational article provides more insight if your struggling http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/getting-married/choosing-a-spouse/equally-yoked-gods-perfect-plan#.UxJJx3-9KK0

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/getting-married/choosing-a-spouse/equally-yoked-gods-perfect-plan#.UxJJx3-9KK0

Fondly,
A

One engagement

So you made it through the sappy love story..Congratulations!!! I was on cloud nine being engaged, graduating with my dream degree, and newly employeed. My type A personality soon kicked in, and I only allowed myself a few months of engagement bliss before I dug my heels into wedding planning and life alignment. I am a thorough believer that trudging through mudd..well not literally...with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé will teach you years about the compatability of you and your partner. Take the time you have before your married to ensure you compliment and challenge one another. No marriage is perfect; if your from the outside looking in on a relationship that appears to be to a fairy tale, know in your heart that either that couple worked their butts off to love and respect one another, or it is just a facade. I didn't want that latter fact to be true for CD and I, and I don't want It to be true for your marriage either. Almost EVERY good thing requires you to reflect internally, to learn from those who have gone before you, and to put in effort. Why as a society do we  strive tirelessly for greater titles, higher pay, and more material objects but assume a marriage and family are supposed to just work themselves out amongst our personal goals? It is your duty as either an engaged couple or just a couple to ensure, as best as you can, that marriage is in your cards. After I got engaged to a man I loved, I realized that if we were going to spend our whole lives together we had to iron out some serious re-emerging problems. Once we booked my dream venue and had the essential details confirmed, one truth about the deficiency of our relationship reared its proverbial ugly head. Throughout our entire relationship CD and I disagreed on one key thing... My desire for CD to take the lead and my inability to trust that he would lead us the "right" way. This problem was amplified 6months prior to our wedding. CD and I had been having problems with our front door lock sticking and specifically my key getting stuck. After a long day running errands and picking out wedding items, I came home with hands filled, and after 20minutes of struggling called CD practically in tears to come rescue me....well CD had other plans. He was currently pre-occupied and had no intentions of rushing home. I became infuriated, started sobbing, and hung up on him.  CD came home promptly, and the situation escalated.... After 20 minutes locked in the bathroom ( I know..very classy right), praying, crying, and questioning if I was ready to commit the rest of my life. I realized that this argument had nothing to do with being locked out (uh duh) and everything to do with my fear that CD wasn't going to take care of me or be the leader I needed. We both apologized and acknowledged that there was a bigger issue here that if not fixed would be our demise.  I realized that CD and I had one engagement and one chance to build a strong faith based foundation. Now you might not have lock problems or even leader problems, but I know that there has to be those common threads of disagreement. You need to acknowledge them; recognize that you both likely contributed to those disagreements and that you can alter your future and strengthen your start. You can start at your beginning whenever your ready to work at it! Our pastor recommended we read Love & Respect by Dr.Emerson Eggerichs, and I recommend you do it to! It led to us breaking "our cycle of crazy"
Fondly, 
A

How we began

How it all began...Newly single and not ready to mingle... I met my now husband at a time when I was determined to focus on my friends and live up my last months home. I was only 17 and preparing to head off to college with my best girlfriends. Slowly I was charmed by a dashing fellow employee; he was home from college in the exact town where I was soon to travel in 10 months as a freshman girl far away from home. Months later, I was swept off my feet; my resolve crumbled and I became the first and last girlfriend of my husband. Fast forward 4 years, CD and I remained committed to one another and had navigated arguments, sleepless midterm weeks, family vacations, and faith together.  I began to realize that no one could make me laugh, calm me down, challenge me, and frustrate me like Collin. Things were amazing when we were happy but what really convinced me that I wanted to marry CD was when we argued we were still good. I truly believe that single characteristic of a relationship can tell volumes about who the people are individually and also cumulatively as a couple. While I was obtaining my Doctorate degree, we braved two years of long distance, at times days without talking, and months and countries occasionally separated us. Our frustration with being apart led to arguments; that trial taught me that missing someone can be healthy, and defining and striving for your individual goals is essential as long as you do that within the context of your partner's goals. The night before my college graduation, CD and I reminisced at the college campus of all our favorite spots and everlasting memories. As I reflected on how difficult it would be to leave a town that was my home for 6 years, CD got down on one knee, presented the most beautiful ring I could have imagined, and reassured me that we would always find home together. That night would change our lives forever and was the beginning of a journey that has taught me the importance of preparation before marriage and how to reason and struggle my way through being a new wife.  These are all lessons and failures I hope we can embark on together. When CD and I took two solemn vows, we committed to share one life and beat the staggering statistics of divorce in this nation.
Fondly,
A